A PhD in Divorce
Making the World Make Sense Requires a Cranial Pullout
Self indulgence is a hair away from self destruction. It's slower but the results are the same.
In the past month of reconfiguring the who and what I am in the world, I've eaten a bit too much, had a bit too much to drink, watched a bit too much TV, spent a bit too much time lying around. It's appropriate, I think, to self indulge a bit following a shock to the system. It's equally important to recognize and self correct.
I recall a good friend back in the 90’s who was funny, charismatic, and a philandering alcoholic. He had a wife and two sons and a cascading series of girlfriends. He also was spiraling into the toilet bowl of addiction. "How do I stop this?" he asked me one night.
The only thing I could think of was he needed to have what my grandfather would call a 'come to Jesus' moment. Defined by the old man, that moment was a fuckup so horrifying but not life destroying that it shocks one's system to determine a big change. My mother called this a 'rude awakening.'
For my friend—a person long since faded into that guy I used to know—had his rude awakening when he flipped his car trying to avoid a kid on a bike while blind drunk. As I heard it later, the experience caused him to confess his infidelities, his wife then divorcing him, and he going on a four-month bender hellbent to drink himself to death. Suicide by Jack Daniels. But he eventually pulled his head out of his ass, joined AA, and figured out how to live in the world after his comfortable existence had been so completely erased.
There is an irony to the fact that as my third (and last) marriage has been napalmed, the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial is the trending event of our current moment in history. I get it the message being sent. Your shit could be MUCH worse, brother. Given the specific set of circumstances I found myself in a month or so ago, I'm not sure I agree that it could've been worse, I can also look around and do that comparison shopping task where I look at how bad everyone else has it and recognize that I'll be fine.
The family in Ukraine who had their home destroyed by Russian invaders. Definitely better off than them.
The families of the victims of one of five mass shootings just last week. My divorce pales in contrast.
Starving children.
Women living in Louisiana.
Anyone working entry level in a Starbucks.
I've had my rude awakening and, while the shitshow that is the Depp-Heard trial is awful, his statement that he was never with her because she was someone he made up in his mind resonates with my own experience, now I have to recognize that it's time to get up off of my self indulgent ass and move forward.
I'm not starving to death. I'm in good shape. I'm healthy. I'm employable. Even if in three months I decide to skip town, leave Vegas, and go off into the wide world, I have plenty of options and certainly more than an awful lot of folks. I'm not in physical pain. I'm not in need of anti-anxiety medication or therapy. I have a car.
It ain't fun but I'm divorced.
I grew up a child of divorce. Yeah, you're thinking, get in line, fucko. Who isn't a child of divorce these days?
My mother was married and divorced three times before I was ten years old. There were a few more long-term relationships following. She didn't marry the right guy until I graduated college and kudos to them—they've passed the thirty year mark and I'm thrilled for them.
As an adult, I've now crossed the 'three strikes, yer out!' mark as my third wife decided, after some almost comical indiscretion, that what she wants is an 'open marriage' which is code for 'I'd like to have sex with a whole bunch of people that happen to not be you.'
In terms of establishing bona fides and expertise, I declare that being a child and an adult of multiple divorces, I have what we'll refer to as a PhD in Divorce.
The doctor is in. If you're reading this, you either are divorced, are recently divorced, or that juicy divorce is just around the corner, so read up, chum.
Don't waste your time being angry about it. Or, if you are angry, don't be vindictive or look for some sort of justice. Forgiveness when it's easy doesn't count. It only matters when it's hard and then only the one doing the forgiving benefits.
Take your time processing the new reality but don't be that guy who cries all the time and drinks constantly and eventually runs out of friends who have listened you go over and over the circumstances until you actually need to pay someone to listen.
Self indulge until you question the long-term benefits, then get your act together. Get back in shape. Eat better. Re-invent yourself. Carve yourself out of stone and remember to sleep. I couldn't sleep the first month of this but when I hit the gym and bust my ass, spend a lot of time writing and reading, I wear myself out and sleep like a baby.
Eliminate every picture and reminder that your spouse ever existed. Trust me on this. You will not be friends with your ex. Don't even kid yourself about it.
It's an emotion-laden time so it's doubly important to behave pragmatically. Make no snap judgments, think through everything you choose to do, be like freaking Mr. Spock. Emotions are your enemy right now so clamp down on that nonsense and focus.
Do not drink in public.
Take a roadtrip.
As Dr. Divorce, I can tell you as I tell myself: This too shall pass.