Everyone Should Cultivate and Cherish Thicker Skin

Defending thin -skinned response is a celebration of weakness in a world designed to destroy the frail.

“This is not a defense of Will Smith, who does not need me to defend him.

Instead, this is a defense of thin skin. It is a defense of boundaries and being human and enforcing one’s limits. It is a repudiation of the incessant valorizing of taking a joke, having a sense of humor. It is a rejection of the expectation that we laugh off everything people want to say and do to us.”

So begins Dr. Roxanne Gay in her NYT Opinion piece entitled "Jada Pinkett Smith Shouldn’t Have to ‘Take a Joke.’ Neither Should You."

As with almost all of Dr. Gay's writing, she makes her case eloquently.

I do, however, have a few disagreements in the bedrock of her thesis.

She writes "Who is served by all this thick skin? Those who want to behave with impunity."

I'd suggest that, like the turtle and the armadillo, the beneficiary of thicker skin are those with the softest underbellies. Thick skin is armor. Roxanne assumes that by signaling to all assholes and comedians that they should just be nicer, they will be. But, and you should read her whole piece, as a black woman in the real world, she should damn well know better than that.

We are at a weird place right now in history where everyone feels raw and wounded by the unexpected pulling of that one Jenga piece that topples the security we thought we had. Do you think that the incel class should have thin skin? Do you believe that those on the edge of pulling out a pistol or AR-15 and randomly gunning strangers down should be celebrated for their inability to handle insult?

The argument that people should just be nicer to one another, making thin skin and frailty the default—be vulnerable—is as misguided as the "Teach Men Not to Rape" idea.

Sounds good, yes? Just teach men not to rape. So simple. So profound.

Let’s try different crimes and see if this is solid reasoning or just a bit stupid.

Instead of teaching people to not carry their cash and valuables around in an open wagon, don’t leave your doors unlocked, keep your jewelry out of sight, avoid dark alleys in neighborhoods known for mugging, avoid walking home alone, leave your cash in your glove box, secure your passwords, use a VPN, dress down at public events...

Teach People Not to Steal.
Theft is never the fault of those stolen from.
End Thief Culture!

Instead of teaching people to not talk to strangers, avoid online dating, stop cheating on significant others, don’t steal from others, stay away from friends engaged in criminal activity, avoid schools, concerts, nightclubs, movie theaters, driving while black, swimming while black, doing anything in public while black, answering your door,

Teach People Not to Murder.
Homicide is never the fault of those murdered.
End Murder Culture!

Kind of silly, huh? At a time when people are losing their shit over wearing masks on planes, freaking out in public, stealing openly from local stores in San Francisco, banning books in whole freakin’ states of the Union, and a murder rate in the US that has risen by nearly a third maybe some defense of scarring up that skin, calming those frayed nerves down, and behaving like an adult is a better use of the the precious NYT ink?

She continues. “I’ve stopped aspiring to be thicker-skinned, and I no longer expect or admire it in others. Because sometimes, people can’t take a joke. In some situations, yes, we’re humorless. If our skin gets too thick, we won’t feel anything at all, which is the most unreasonable of expectations. And we won’t know we’ve been wronged or wounded until it’s too late.”

Good on you but I think you're just a tad full of shit. I've seen you on CNN. You've got thick-ass skin, lady so quite bullshitting a bullshitter. Words might be painful in the moment but I can guarantee that Will Smith's hand striking Chris Rock's face hurt far more than his dumb bald joke. Wronged? Sure. Wounded? Oh, Christ, the hyperbole!

More from Dr. Gay. “We also witnessed an example, last week, of a woman forced to wear incredibly thick skin as she was left largely undefended. During Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court, the distinguished jurist endured all manner of insult, racism and misogyny from Republican senators asking ludicrous questions that were really opportunities for grandstanding.”

Largely undefended? Are you kidding? Corey Booker practically lit himself on fire in defense of Justice Jackson. For every dipshit like Ted Cruz, there was a Democrat Senator heaping praise upon her.

I also bristle at the suggestion that black women are some sort of special flowers that can't handle it. Justice Jackson has incredibly thick skin as was evidenced in 24 hours of grilling. Jada Pinkett Smith didn't like Rock's joke but she didn't collapse into a weeping mess nor did she hop up and clock him. Will was representing two of the most badass black women in the world having portrayed their father on film.

Thick skin is a protection against the thousand slights we all must endure every day and to assume that your slights are far worse than everyone else's and thus you should be given a pass when, as a fifty-three year old man, you can't control your temper on national television is simply competitive grievance mongering.

Did Will Smith have a tough life? Sure but lots of people have watched their mothers get beat up and don’t resort to slapping the shit out of someone onstage at the Oscars.

Children learn through imitation. Babies imitate your behavior to learn how to function in the world. If you eat with your hands and pick your nose a lot, your child will as well. Even once they get to the age when their friends and phones are far more interesting than you, they are still watching you and learning how to proceed from your actions.

Every time you lose your shit over something trivial (being cut off in traffic, the wrong name on your Starbucks cup, a joke about your wife's bald head) the children see you and learn how to behave.

Behave in the way you’d like to see the rest of us behave rather than lecture us and then demonstrate your own blind spots by contradicting your lectures with your behavior.

You want tolerance and kindness and respect? Be tolerant and kind and respectful. You want people to be generous (in practice and spirit)? Be generous in practice and spirit. You want others to stop bullying? Stop bullying.

And thicken that skin up, learn to control your temper, and avoid smacking people in face unless you want the kids to think that's how they’re supposed to do it.