It's Time for More Kirk

There is a downside to being cautious.

A few years ago I decided that the side of me that was Capt. James Tiberius Kirk—impulsive, overconfident, prone to gambling with the choices in life, a full disbelief in the no-win scenario—needed a rest. With everyone around me leaning hard into their feelings, the desire to pull back on my own seemed prudent. More Spock. More logic, rational perception, pragmatic approaches to the decisions in my life was the way to go.

In the book More Spock, Less Kirk I wrote:

Sometime around the lead up to the 2016 presidential election, I found myself a bit adrift in terms of how I dealt with the world.

Always a creature of impulse, I fashioned my approach to that of none other than Captain James Tiberius Kirk. All action, no forethought. Trust my gut, go with a punch or a fuck before a rational idea has had a chance to coalesce.

For much of my days, that angle has served me well. I was known to be a bit of an asshole, a bit of a control freak, and one actor involved in a show I directed in the early 2000’s referred to me as “Pol Pot” in an article for TimeOut Chicago. Despite that, I managed through nothing but sheer will to forge past what so many saw as insurmountable obstacles. All because I was convinced that my anger and brash nature was the only way forward.

Then Donald Trump started his campaign for president.

My blog at the time was entitled “An Angry White in Chicago” which I thought was pretty funny until I saw the genuine Angry White Guy on television and realized the joke was stale all of a sudden. I changed the name of the blog in an impulsive Kirk-esque move.

Then I moved to Nevada.

Over the course of the past few years, I’ve been looking hard at myself and have found that Kirk is good but a bit more Spock is necessary to actually accomplish things bigger than myself. An adjustment toward a more logical, rational way of seeing and communicating about things in society. Some dabbling in Buddhism and Stoicism. A hard look at the soul.

In general, I’d say this was a good shift. It has definitely pushed me into a more centrist liberal mindset than I was previously but I’m also far less angry and prone to be reactionary. It also motivated my exit from social media which, again, has left me less knee jerk and enraged.

I could make the argument that my third marriage might not have had such a spectacular crash and burn had I stuck with the Kirk mode because she required a lot of conflict to feel like she was important and Spock mode evaluates each potential conflict practically and I frequently decided most of her aggression wasn't worth the energy to pursue. No chase and she looked elsewhere for that sort of control.

The downside of the Spock approach that I’m just now observing in my walk is that I’ve become far more cautious. Caution is not in and of itself a bad thing but with my aforementioned dumpster fire of a divorce, I’m now finding myself uncharacteristically anxious about making the sort of broad, bold Kirk-like choices that have defined me to me for most of my life. These “I’M GONNA DO THE THING!” choices have garnered far more adventures worth mentioning than disasters.

For much of the past year, I followed my mom’s advice: one day at a time. Yeah, it’s a cliché but that’s because it’s truth. I couldn’t see past each day, my vision was stunted and looking forward to nothing more than a meal or sleep was the only way I could function. These days, I’m looking further out, making plans, looking toward something new and shiny but the still wounded Spock only sees potential fuckups. He wonders if any choices I make might be better focusing on security and stability, that another big move might be a mistake, that any decision made that does not fit with the model of a man in his last couple of chapters is rash and full of dread.

Time for Spock to take the back seat again.

The logical Spock tells me to appreciate the stability of a simple existence—a job that isn’t too difficult, a pretty cool apartment, proximity to my beloved family, nothing too hard or challenging—is the smart road to travel. Relax and enjoy the accomplishments of my past hustle and retire from the lunatic trajectory. The impulsive, adventure-seeking Kirk practically barks that I’m not ready to be retired. I may never be ready for that. It is the unknown and untested that has always brought fire to my veins. It is time to dust off trusting my gut as hard as that feels right now.

Now, it’s important to note that I’m no longer a young Kirk. I’m the old Kirk. While I still require a sense of adventure, of opportunity, a siren call to the journey into the unknown, there are certain limitations that age and experience serve up like oatmeal required to lower cholesterol. I now have to put on my bifocals to read signs and do not have the ability to time travel back to 1984 in order to save whales and pawn them for cash. I’m certainly not old yet I am older.

Captain James T. Kirk :

“Our species can only survive if we have obstacles to overcome. You take away all obstacles. Without them to strengthen us, we will weaken and die.”

Dying isn’t something I’m afraid to experience. It happens to everyone. The weakening part is also an inevitability but neither is a state of being I’m interested in hastening through inactivity. The people I observe who in similar straits often exhibit a sense of melancholy as if their escapades are over and today exists to sit in a chair and reflect as the body and mind slowly decay. It is folly to assume that a fading being must attack life as they did in youth but tragedy to assume that lacking youth, the same being should embrace obsolescence.

So, it’s time for a bit more Kirk. Time to continue the adventures.