My Signed Tucker Carlson Book

Now that Tucker has been unceremoniously ousted from his position as High Propagandist it is fun to reminisce.

I almost met Tucker Carlson.

Less than a week after FOX ousted Bill O’Reilly for accusations of sexual harassment, Tucker Carlson replaced him. Obama was running for his second term and Weather Underground (originally just Weathermen) members Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn were back in the news.

At the time I was in the middle of a four year relationship with a woman who considered Ayers her godfather. Alice was a faux communist who espoused the social justice mantras while enjoying the pleasures of being from a wealthy family and had a taste for manifestos and $500 leather boots. Over the course of those first two years I had met and eaten with Ayers and Dohrn dozens of times: readings at their home, BBQs, birthdays. Bill was a genuine and affable guy and Bernadine was the most welcoming person I'd met. They were fun, funny, and if you didn't know their history you would never guess it from meeting them. Most important was that the two really knew how to throw a dinner party.

Carlson entered an online fundraising auction for two items Bill and Bernadine were donating: choice seats at a Cubs game and dinner for six cooked and hosted by Ayers and Dohrn. Tucker won the dinner and outrage exploded on the blogosphere. Bill initially invited me to come because he thought it would be funny to have Carlson and I in the same room—Alice flat out refused to let me attend. After a New Year's Eve party where I argued with several of her University of Chicago professor friends that Bill Clinton was not the evil monster they saw in him, she didn't want me to embarrass her again. She put her lavishly adorned foot down and that was that. Bill and I laughed the afternoon of the dinner about the kinds of things I would say to cause chaos as if I were his own personal Andy Kaufman. That evening Carlson brought along Jamie Weinstein, Andrew Breitbart, Matt Labash, Audrey Lowe, and Buckley Carlson.

In Bill's words—

I gave each guest a swag bag with candy kisses and one of my books, autographed. Tucker took my comic book about teaching, and I signed it “To my new best friend!” I had bought his book Politicians, Partisans, and Parasites, with an epigraph (returned to again and again in the text) from Larry King: “The trick is to care, but not too much. Give a shit—but not really.” I asked him to please autograph it for me. He wrote: “Thanks for the fantastic ribs! Please read every word of this— the truth lies herein.” Perhaps he was being ironic as well.

The dinner went off without a hitch with the sole exception of Bernadine goading Breitbart into an argument about American foreign policy. A week after, Bill had us over for snacks and regaled us with his observations of the improbable soirée.

A few months later Alice took me to Chinatown for my 46th birthday. Bill and Bernardine came and we ate and laughed and generally celebrated. As things were winding down, Bill pulled me aside.

"I have a very special birthday present for you," he said and handed me a copy of Carlson's book. "Open it up," he giggled.

There was a card with artwork by Art Green entitled Consider the Options. Examine the Facts. Apply the Logic.

"Dear Don— Happy Birthday! For a year of joy, ecstasy, love, and peace. XOXO Bill and Bernadine"

I opened the book. There was Carlson's inscription:

“Thanks for the fantastic ribs! Please read every word of this— the truth lies herein. Best, Tucker Carlson."

Above his inscription was Bill's—

"To Don— Ride the wave, bring the fire! XOXO Bill Ayers"

I started laughing. Bill looked on with glee.

"Right? A perfect end to this terrible book! You think you'll read it?"

"I don't know. Probably not. I'm already pretty sure the truth definitely does not lie within."

We both laughed and rejoined the festivities.

I almost met Tucker Carlson and I'm glad I didn't. I am glad to have the book, though because it is a bizarre memento of a strange time in my life, a strange time for the country, a time when, for a few years, I was a friend to Bill and Bernadine.