No One Owes the Population an Apology
Joe Rogan and Whoopi Goldberg apologized but are still being beaten with digital bats
NEW YORK (AP) — Spotify’s popular U.S. podcaster Joe Rogan apologized Saturday after a video compilation surfaced that showed him using racial slurs in clips of episodes over a 12-year span.
In a video posted on his Instagram account, Rogan, who hosts a podcast called “The Joe Rogan Experience,” said his use of the slurs was the “most regretful and shameful thing that I’ve ever had to talk about publicly.” But he said the clips were “taken out of context.”
“It’s not my word to use. I am well aware of that now, but for years I used it in that manner,” he said during the six-minute video on his Instagram account. “I never used it to be racist because I’m not racist.”
I watched the video. While Rogan is definitely making known his regrets in the use of The Word That Shall Not Be Mentioned, I can’t say it felt like an apology despite the AP calling it one. It sounded like he was explaining why he felt he could say it in context of his show. He points out the context and, in my opinion, sounds completely reasonable. He wasn’t calling someone The Forbidden Word, he was discussing why the word is forbidden. Seems like a fairly reasonable series of conversations given the fraught hysteria over what he sees as a truly unusual word in the English language.
Taken in that light, he has a point. No other word in the entire language is so powerful and has such a prohibition from utterance. The reason we were supposed to go after Rogan was his lack of fealty to the complete authority of a handful of doctors and the pharmaceutical companies. Now we are supposed to go after him because he said That Word and the cultural powers that be have dictated a moratorium on its mention.
It didn’t seem like an apology nor was one required. No one is seeking penance. Those looking to punish Rogan want him gone because his dominance among the population is more powerful than their ability to persuade.
Decades ago, a friend of mine joined a self help organization to get his life in order. He was at a crossroads and wasn’t feeling terribly successful on his journey on the road to self-sustained artistry and the siren song of the Guaranteed Steps to Successful Living sort of thing was too seductive for him to be able to reject.
After a couple of weeks of seminars and groupthink meetings that always culminated in homework—time management exercises, solidified new routines to employ, daily prompts to encourage productivity—he called and asked if I was available for coffee.
We met and he sat down. He became rather serious as he slowly intoned, “You owe me an apology.”
”OK.” I said. “What’d I do?”
He pulled a small tablet from his bag and read from it that, several years before, I had insulted him during an argument.
”Uh. Alright. I don’t actually remember saying that but, if it makes you feel any better, I’m sorry if I did.”
He closed the tablet. We drank coffee. We talked about the kind of stuff you talk about after an awkward exchange, which is to say anything and everything but the thing you just stepped in and out of.
My grandfather once told me that anyone who demands an apology will never accept one. He added that those who deserve and are open to an apology rarely ask for one.
The question begged is what actual good is an apology given under duress?
"I'm waiting for an apology…" a friend texts.
"If you don't apologize, I'm going to out you on Facebook."
What good is an apology if it does not reflect an actual feeling of regret? It is simply an exercise of power. One person is dominant enough to make the other shoulder the responsibility for an argument or for something having gone wrong. The demand is often a set up for setting the terms of punishment for the offense.
A week later. A couple beers and shots. The tablet comes out. “You owe me an apology.”
”For what?”
Another thing I said or did that caused hurt feelings or some sort of insult. Again, while I don’t remember doing or saying it, I apologize.
A month of this routine. At least five apologies for slights I can’t recall.
Finally. “You owe me an apol—”
”Stop. OK. Here’s the thing. Open up your notebook and I want you to list everything—everything—you have you need an apology from me for doing, and I’m going to apologize for all of it this one last time. Perhaps I am exactly the massive piece of shit you see me as and, for that, I’ll apologize. Then no more because this is ridiculous.”
A study that appeared in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research discovered six components of a good apology. While not all apologies had to include all six in order to be effective, researchers found the more components there were, the more likely the apology would be successful:
Expression of regret
Explanation of what went wrong
Acknowledgement of responsibility
Declaration of repentance
Offer of repair
Request for forgiveness
If for some reason, you can't craft an apology with all six components, the researchers say, the most important element is to accept responsibility. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and make it clear that you’re at fault. And never apologize for someone else’s feelings—take full responsibility for your behavior. So rather than say, “I’m sorry if you were hurt by my words,” say, “I’m sorry I said hurtful things.”
What if you honestly don't remember the incident in question? If you accept responsibility for something you can't recall, is it a sincere and forthright apology?
In an article about Title IX reforms (the Obama administration's attempt to reform the collegiate sexual harassment problems on campus) it is suggested that someone accused should “Admit to yourself that even if you don’t remember the event, or don’t believe yourself capable of hurting someone, that it’s possible that you may have crossed a boundary.”
If someone accuses you of killing someone—a capitol crime—and you have no recollection of doing so and there is no evidence to support the accusation, is the appropriate response "I don't remember the murder but it's possible I did it."? Or is that just a fucking lunatic suggestion?
As this plays itself out, it becomes even more obvious that the modern apology has become an admission of guilt, first and foremost.
We don’t speak for a week. At least I don’t have to issue any more apologies.
Then.
”I owe you an apology.”
”For what—I mean, I’m happy that I don’t owe you another one but what’d you do?”
”I was supposed to be offering apologies to people I’ve hurt. You know, instead of asking for apologies. I’m sorry.”
I laughed. “How many other people have you been doing this too?”
”Just you.”
”Then you do owe me an apology, you jackass!”
Here's what we know about the demand for an apology:
The human memory is not set in stone and is extremely pliable. Our memories of events are affected by time, distance, the retelling of stories, the media, our diet, our age. Someone waiting, for whatever reason, years to ask for an apology, likely has no true recollection of the incident that spurred on the demand.
The demand is not for what we traditionally have been taught—healing, closure, forgiveness. A demand for an apology is about power and assigning guilt and setting up for consequence for responsibility.
At this point, if you can't remember what you're accused of or don't think you did it, do not apologize. Even a hint of regret or the possibility of responsibility opens the floodgates of scorched Earth destruction so it's better to deny it than give an inch.
The unspoken portion of a lot of this is if an apology is required, to whom are Rogan, Goldberg, Patton Oswalt (over being friendly with Dave Chapelle), and every other talking head apologizing?
The masses? The public?
What a ridiculous perceived task. What lunacy requires an apology to everyone as if the collective consensus of prudish, easily offended dipshits on both extreme edges of the body politic were possible. I can’t imagine a less possible outcome or action to inspire such a result.
Rogan owes no one an apology. Goldberg owes no one an apology. No one has a pistol to his or her head forcing them to listen to The Joe Rogan Experience or, god forbid, watch The View so turn the dial and please—PLEASE—mind your own business. Go apologize to the person you shit all over and doxxed because they gave a thumbs up to a Harry Potter book and shut the fuck up, already.