Offense Immunity

If being offended was a virus, some of us are destined to wear masks infinitely...

“Uhm… is there a problem?”

“A problem? About what?”

“I was told that you refused to have your pronouns on your company badge.”

“Oh. No problem.”

“Then, uhm, why not?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious which pronoun to use when referring to me. amiright? Alright, that’s a bit glib, isn’t it? I don’t participate in the drama because I don’t really care how someone refers to me. For the most part, I’m not in the room, and even my best friends call me things they wouldn’t call me to my face so I can’t imagine giving a shit.

“Further, I grew up when being shocked and offended was the coin of the realm. The comedians in my day were Andrew Dice Clay and Sam Kinison. Bill Hicks and Eddie Murphy in a red leather outfit talking smack about gays. I watched the Challenger explode on national television and had the Jesus scared into me by satanic backmasking… don't ask. I watched a fourteen-year old Brooke Shields in a movie about having sex with her cousin and had a neighbor sell his house to buy Beanie Babies (which is like cryptocurrency but cuter). Tom Hanks debuted on television as a crossdresser pretending to be a woman to get an apartment and John Ritter pretended to be gay for the same reason. Smoking on airplanes and in restaurants. Shag carpeting. Exposure to shock and offense were as much a rite of passage as having a Trapper Keeper with band stickers on it or watching Pat Buchanan in a presidential debate.

“At this point in the late stages of my fifties, I’d argue that I am effectively shock- and offense-proof. I’m immune and I’d argue, I’m happier for it. You ever hear of the Blue Car Conundrum?”

“Blue…? No.”

“You buy a blue car and all of sudden it seems there are blue cars everywhere. There aren’t more blue cars on the road than before you bought one but your perception has shifted and now you see them everywhere. I think offense can be like that. If you’re constantly seeking out things to be offended by, you will certainly find them everywhere. Instead, I try to seek out things that make me laugh. I have a dark, mean sense of humor, so I find funny in the bizarre shitshow that is 2024 America so often I look like a lunatic.

“It’s really a matter of respecting the preferences of others.”

“I respect your choice to perform the pronoun ritual. If you let me know what you wanna be called, I’ll do my best to combat decades of encoded practice to shift my language out of basic decency. It still seems a little silly to me but lots of things people believe without an inch of hesitation seem silly to me. Silly isn’t offensive. It can be a bit annoying but I’m Generation X and we’re annoyed by everything. Except for Life® cereal. The fact that you don’t understand that joke is annoying but not offensive.

“I’m from the eighties and we don’t need roads. I don’t really know how that applies but I had this sudden Back to the Future flashback which is like PTSD except with pop culture references.”