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Charlie Newman's avatar

"They’re afraid of intimacy. Of being known. Of being vulnerable."

Hah!

Beat them by decades!

The core of my 3 failed marriages...& years spent getting shrunk didn't help.

Ahhh...the thrill of being ahead of the curve...

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LavenderBlueMama's avatar

I've actually been thinking about this post all day & how to respond without deep diving into trauma. I thought about asking my Gen Z daughter her thoughts & I'm sure she would have said something that blew me away, but I decided not to, because it felt creepy & invasive. Then I realized that I was the one who was feeling that way. She probably would have rolled her eyes & said something matter of fact about it, because that's how she approaches things.

Anyway without getting too far into the backstory, I'm not sure I can answer for Gen X, because my experience was highly skewed by religion, narcissism, & abuse, & not normal in any way. But once I got to college (first year at a Baptist University which I do not recommend) complete with curfews, dorm sign-in sheets, chapel probation, & no one permitted in the dorms of the opposite gender, we all might as well have been dropped off in the middle of "Eyes Wide Shut" (if it had been filmed in the back seats of cars in a Baptist University parking lot, instead of a mansion). Let's just say it is not the best idea to send all the repressed, guilt-ridden Baptists to one place & expect a wholesome outcome. A guy I knew, who was hoping to become a church youth pastor, told me that any girl on campus willing to give good blow jobs "could make a lot of money, because guys feel too guilty having real sex," which I guess was his idea of a sexy pick up line. Anyway, we all fucked around like we knew what we were doing (we didn't), & then prayed to be absolved of our sins (just like "The Misled Catholics").

Fast forward to parenthood, & I felt it was my duty to arm my daughter with whatever information she needed to navigate the world we now live in, where nothing is sacred, nothing is private, & nothing is kept secret for long. She knows the basics of my childhood, the bare minimum, & I'm pretty sure if anyone tried to force anything she didn't want to participate in, she'd at least attempt to kick the shit out of them & yell her fucking head off, which did not come from me. That's all her.

I was mulling over what I would want for her in terms of relationships & the first thing that came to mind was "consensual & non-violent." I smirked, closed my eyes, & realized that's a fucking low bar, but probably accurate given my history. Then another voice in my head kicked in, berating, "Ok, now try to think like a normal person, you damaged freak." Then a third voice in my head started giving us all a lecture on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, going into a tirade about Safety being a legitimate need... blah, blah, & then I thought, "Friendship, love, mutual respect of each other's body & mind?" Is that too much to hope for these days? I truly don't know. Then a very quiet voice in my head whispered, "Intimacy. What about intimacy?"

I can't. I can't answer that. A damaged adult still protecting a hurt child within, can't do that. I can't even speak that word out loud. It feels wrong just thinking it. Shit. Fuck. Dammit, I'm crying. Jesus.

I hope & pray my daughter will find what she needs, whether within herself or others. I hope I gave enough of what I was able to give her, to make up for what I couldn't.

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